Thursday, December 1, 2011

WAITING IS NOT EASY

I think waiting is the hardest thing we do. Maybe not, but that is what I am experiencing now.
It has now been three months that I have been unemployed. I resigned my church effective September 1st and now it is December 1st. And I seem to be no closer to my next step--my next assignment--the next call of God than I was three months ago. As I hear of unemployment statistics--(by the way, pastors who resign are not able to get unemployment, at least not to my knowledge)--I understand why they talk of people just giving up looking for jobs after they have tried for some time. People just wonder if anything they can do will help and wonder if anyone cares. I guess this experience has been one in which I, at least to some extent, understand people going through job searches.
Today I feel no closer to the next step than three months ago. I wonder whether I have missed the call of God when He called. I have done supply preaching about every other week, but no one has called back. One that was pursuing me however, I closed the door, just not feeling God's move in that way. Did I miss it--miss something?
I have felt myself in limbo--caught between here and there. I feel known but not known. I feel like I have some acquaintances but few real friends or people who know me. I feel indecisive or weak. I feel like I do not know how to make myself known--almost like Elijah felt when he felt like the "only one of God's prophets left"--so that even God did not know He existed. (Neither of these, however, was or is true.)
I have some people who have given me advice, and at times, I even feel like Job with the advice of his friends (were they really his friends?).
Am I supposed to plant a church? Am I supposed to pastor an existing congregation? Am I supposed to teach? Am I supposed to go back to substitute teaching (Yech!) or work at some secular job, and if so, what skills do I have with all of my years of ministry fulltime (33 since seminary and two years before that)? What am I supposed to do when I grow up (I'm 60 by the way)?
I read an article online today of a church planter who talked about giving up fulltime ministry and seeking to work in the secular world. He is retraining himself to do computer programming, but he talked about how hard it is to find a job and do that which he is in process of doing--especially in our economy today. (By the way, he is not 60.)
Does God have a plan in all of this? Well, of course He does. But there are times when we cannot see it or feel it or touch it. And that is hard for people who so often live by five senses, and that includes religious workers as well.
Today I played guitar and sang. I sang Michael W. Smith's, "This is the Air I Breathe." And I guess at this point, I am "desperate" for Him--for God, for His Presence, for His Purpose to be fulfilled and His direction to be made known. I sang another of my favorites, Dallas Holm's, "Waiting."
"Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel; can't see that far down the road.
Waiting in darkness, I'm tempted to stumble; weary from bearing this road.
Desperately weighing all of my options; scheming to find my own way.
But after all my planning is over, this is the most I can say:
Lord, I'm waiting, I'm waiting,
and I'm not gonna move til I'm able to prove Your will.
Lord, I'm waiting, waiting; listening for You with my heart."
I also sang "Spirit Song,"
"Oh may the Lord of God enfold you, with His Spirit and His love.
May He fill your life and satisfy your soul.
Oh may He have the things that hold you,
and His Spirit like a dove
will descend upon your life and make you whole.
Jesus, Jesus, come and fill your lambs;
Jesus, Jesus, come and fill your lambs."
I am a lamb needing filling by the Spirit today.
Does anyone really know that I am here? Does God know where I am? Of course He does, even if others do not or even if they do not acknowledge me or in their busyness, do not notice this plight. We all live busy lives, focused on our things. And we often do not hear those who are not squeaky wheels. Squeaky wheels draw attention to themselves.
Unfortunately, I too have been so busy with life at times to not notice when others around me are hurting, struggling, have needs spiritual, financial, emotional, etc. Is that a lesson I am learning through all of this? I hope so, but who knows? It may be forgotten when I am through this crisis.
Yes, there are some possiblities--in January or February or ? In the meantime, I wait. I wait on God to supply in the meantime. I wait on God to give me directions to go. I wait on God to help me know what I can do in the waiting time.
You ever have an experience like this? Probably. What did you learn from it? And what did you learn that could help others around you cope when they go through something similar or something very different? Or when we work through the time of waiting, do we just forget it and move on, instead of it being an opportunity for us to disciple others--minister to others--support others? (2 Corinthians 1 talks of letting our experiences be later times for us to minister to others.)
"Waiting--and I'm not gonna move til I'm able to prove Your will."
God, I'm still waiting.

2 comments:

  1. Sam, I have no words of advice. Just wanted you to know I see you and hear you. We talked about waiting Wednesday night as an advent theme. I mentioned that it is easier to talk about waiting, when you are not. Psalm 127 was our text. Wes

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